I was 16 when I lost you. I was lost. I was confused. I was angry at the world. How dare this universe make my mom sick to the point I felt I lost my best friend, and take you within the same timeframe. I felt like I had to grieve you alone, but looking back I see how dumb that was. I should’ve let more people in. I should’ve let them know how broken I was when I lost you. How it affected my relationships, my friendships, my relationship with my family.
It was eleven years ago today when I lost you. I can still remember the feeling of my legs giving out from under me, and how my knees hit the floor. Hard. I woke up to texts from people saying how sorry they were, and I had no idea what they were talking about. Mom told me and I just remember instantly sobbing and hitting the ground while repeating the word ‘no’. Because no. That wasn’t fair. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to say thank you for all you did for me, and for helping shape me into the person I am now.
You saw me struggling before anyone else. You saw I was drowning at 15 and tried to throw me my first real lifeline. You called just to talk. You held the family together. You made me feel loved beyond the shadow of a doubt. You were my first best friend. You taught me I didn’t have to take shit from anyone. You taught me sass. You introduced me to card games and Golden Girls and just because I was a kid didn’t mean I’d always win. You also taught me scotch and Pepsi in the same glass looked exactly the same and that they, in no way, tasted the same as I spit it out at your kitchen counter. You laughed and just said ‘oops’. I miss your humor and how you called me Scout. I miss your sass and how you fought for your family, even if maybe, we were wrong at times. I miss how fiercely you loved me.
I remember graduating high school and just being so pissed off at the world that you weren’t there that it almost didn’t matter if I went. I remember being in a fog. I remember years later finally being diagnosed with PTSD because I lost you. I remember it only being a couple of years ago, driving by myself at night and breaking down because I realized how much I had changed since losing you. I turned into this person who was scared all the time. Who was shut down. Who avoided people and places. I became this crumbling mess of anxiety and fear and not the person you taught me to be when I was younger.
I had a dream about you that completely changed me one night. I finally got to ask you why you left me. Why did you leave me? And you looked at me and smiled like you always did. Like you had all the answers. And you said ‘because you needed your mom’. And I woke up just gasping for air and crying and shaking because that was the reason wasn’t it? It was like somehow you knew I was going to lose her at 24 and we needed to fix what was broken between us. I needed my best friend back now more than ever.
My mom and gram had a magical relationship and I know the illness took it’s toll on both of them. My mom took care of her mom just like I did. She always thought I resented she wasn’t around more because she was taking care of my gram. I told her she was crazy. Of course I wasn’t mad. I loved that sassy, blonde, pink lady as much as she did. My mom managed to give me more years with my gram than what doctors thought possible.
Eleven years later and I think about you every single day. I run my finger over the tattoo I have done in your handwriting. When someone or something is pushing against me and what I want I hear your voice saying “give ‘em hell, kid”. And don’t you worry. I will.
Love and miss you,
Scout