There’s this thing that my therapist constantly talks about, “Circle of Influence”. It means the people who know you. Who really, really know you. And how they affect your life choices. You trust them. They see you for who you truly are, and you respect and want their input in your life. Honestly, I can probably count on one hand how many people actually fit this description in my life. Not too many people get to know all of the messed up pieces of me, or the dark side I tend to visit. I put on a face every day of my life in order to interact with everyone, and it’s exhausting. Even the people I trust with my real feelings only get to see me at my worst times when I hit my breaking point. Which, after everything I’ve been through, has a higher threshold than most. I call it ‘spiraling’. “I spiraled a little”. It’s actually code for I lost my shit and crying was probably involved and worst case scenarios were imagined and I flipped off life once again. A lot of people in my life I don’t consider a safe space. I can’t let all the walls down. I feel like I can’t simultaneously be strong and let the walls down because it’s just asking for a typhoon of emotions I can’t control some times. That doesn’t mean it never happens. Because it has and it will. You’d think by now I would be okay with showing emotion. I used to hate crying in front of people, and now I cry when I see a corgi on the sidewalk so I guess there has been some improvement.
I never realized how small my circle was until shit hit the fan (again). I keep everything so close to myself, and bottled up, and just wait for the implosion to happen. Even people who I consider to be my inner circle I find myself trying to shield them from the pain I feel. Because once I let it out and they see the broken parts I know they feel for me. I know they wish they could take it away, or switch places with me. I’m a coward. I’d rather deal with whatever crap thing life throws at me over having someone else go through it. Because it’s out of my control and there is nothing I can do. I have zero answers. I can’t switch places. I can’t take away the pain they feel. At least when it happens to me I feel some semblance of control. Because I know I’ll make it through eventually and the pain will still be there but the scar will fade. You’d think by now I’d know what to say, or do, or not feel so painfully awkward when faced with someone else’s tragedy. But I don’t, I don’t, and I totally am.
When this whole thing happened with Dad I thought I had some type of control. And then the first bad news came in the emergency room, and I hung on to Molly for dear freaking life. And then the bad news came after the surgery and I lost it a few floors below where my family was just thankful he came out alive. And then came the day I realized he didn’t know he had cancer, and I had to tell him. I felt such an immense weight on my shoulders every day. I cried in my car and pulled it together when I came up to my destination. My circle expanded a little during these times. It might constrict a tiny bit afterwards when I am no longer in crisis mode. But it’s so much easier to expand it again when I reconnect with someone.
I don’t trust easily. I always think something bad is waiting around the corner. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I have an emptiness inside of me that creeps up at weird times and never really lets go. But the ones in my circle, who get that, and they get me know how to comfort me even when I have no idea what will help. I came to the realization that I have no idea what I needed when I need it. So I took myself out of the equation when I go through a hard time. That night in the emergency room where I so desperately clung onto someone, would not have happened if she had listened to me. I tell people not to come. I’m fine. I don’t need help. And I’m almost always wrong. My people know what I need even when I don’t. The outpouring of love and support that I get always brings me to tears. I couldn’t ask for a better circle, and I hope I’m a part of theirs. You guys give me the strength to just be, and to feel everything, and you tell me it’s okay. You remind me every day that I am loved. And you are the only people who get to tell me what you think of my life choices and I’ll actually care and listen. Because everyone outside the circle only gets to see the pieces of me that I choose to put out there. To some people I’m strong. I might be weak to others. I could be a hero in one story, and a villain in the next. And that’s okay, because I might not know all of someone’s pieces either. You share what you feel comfortable with, and if that person is a safe space for you. Never feel obligated to explain yourself, or defend your actions to people outside of your circle. Because the ones who are in your circle will know the truth, and they are all that matters.